I was motivated to read this book when someone who I thought was a friend sat across from me, looked me in the eye and lied again and again.

Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying i have never told a lie, i have, mostly white lies, but there was a period in my life where in the circumstance I felt I had no option but to keep secrets and withold the truth from people I cared about.  At the time I couldn’t sleep or eat, it was awful and I never wanted to feel like this again.

It made me wonder how this ‘friend’ did so so convincingly without batting an eye.

Having already read “Surrounded by Idiots” this seem liked the logical next step.

 

In “Surrounded by Liars” Thomas Erikson explains the difference between a lie and a white wire, a  half-truth or  embellishment and alternative facts,  fake news and political correctness and how people with different behavioural profiles lie and respond to lies.

 

Everyone lies

But the reasons for lying will vary from person to person and situation to situation.

We might lie to

• defend ourselves
• avoid conflict
• impress somebody
• keep a secret
• win social approval
• to protect people’s feelings and keep them happy

Most lies aren’t malicious in intent of course, but all lies bring consequences sooner or later

 

Fake news

• incentivises the distribution of untruths
• exploits peoples innate curiosity

Even in science – factual truth could be presented in certain ways to help support their viewpoint

We need to give ourselves time and resources to critically, evaluate data and use what is presented to us. Take the time to fact check and evaluate sources, avoid hasty and emotional conclusions and see fake news for what it is.

Most people in general tend to lie rarely, and usually reserve for strategic purposes.

 

Disc Profiling – behavioural profile

• Dominant – extroverted + task oriented  (Red)
• Influential – extroverted + people oriented (Yellow)
• Stable – introverted + people oriented (Green)
• Compliant – introverted + task oriented (Blue)

for more information about the different profiles see my former acrticle  Insights – Surrounded by Idiots- Notes from the Book – Alto

 

What is truth?

Truth is a kind of representation of reality, a correct reflection of our knowledge, convictions, insights, and observations. It remains consistent, no matter how uncomfortable or unpleasant, it may be.

When we tell the truth we show respect for ourselves and for others, we recognise our own fallibility, and the limitation of our knowledge. We realise that others are just as entitled to the truth as we are, and we honour their autonomy.

It is a form of self expression of revealing thought feelings and values

It is a way of connecting with others forming relationships based on trust and understanding

 

We need to:

• Be critical of information presented to you don’t accept just anything.
• Don’t read without consideration
• Question the facts you’re presented with, consider other point of views and try to find other sources of information.
• Be mindful of your own preconceived, notions, and prejudices

 

Alternatives to lying:

Silence – Blue are best at this – they may know the answer but don’t speak unless asked

White lies –  help to preserve one’s confidence. If an individual constantly receives truthful negative feedback without been given any positive reinforcement to balance it out this can lead to burn out and depression

Empathy- the ability to understand and share the feelings of others is essential for softening the impact of truth

 

What is a lie and what is not a lie?

A lie is intentionally false statement or deceptive act, deliberately stated or performed with the aim of manipulating or deceiving others. All lies are characterised by deliberate, disregard for or violation of someone’s trust.

• first part is the motivation formed out of self interest to avoid punishment or criticism or to gain advantage over somebody
• second part is the fabrication of information or distortion of actual facts
• third part is the verbal or non-verbal communication that conveys the lie

 

White lies and innocent exaggeration are widely accepted in ordinary interaction because they ultimately well intentioned

 

Real lying isn’t an accidental act. It is a fully conscious decision that requires energy to keep a consistent story. It takes effort memory and additional lying to support first one

 

Withholding the truth can be considered lying – bring the same sense of being dishonest by withholding information we hinder the other persons ability to make an informed decision the consequences of this other, same as telling a lie

 

Reasons for lying

 

1. Lying with good intentions – hiding the truth because it will mean someone will lose all motivation The most common motive is fear consequences that reviewing certain information might bring.
2. You lie to protect yourself – to avoid punishment, judgement or negative consequences
3. You lie to protect your relationship– To avoid disappointing, others, avoid conflict or maintain harmony
4. You lie for personal gain? – further your own interests or gain an advantage
5. You lie to avoid embarrassment- hide truths or be seen on a more favourable light
6. You lie to gain acceptance-to gain approval or fit in with a group.
7. You lie to preserve your integrity– protect privacy or preserve personal boundaries.
8. You lie to gain control and power– influence the perceptions, beliefs or actions of others
9. You lie for fear of consequences- backlash and punishment or financial damages.
10. You lie out of habit- pattern of behaviour.

 

Lying for money – the responsibilities of salespeople and consequences of lying in a commercial context.

Sales People

• Use persuasion-  problems arrive when the persuasive techniques cross over into deception
• Lying during sales can be thought of as a means to an end
• Not all sales people are dishonest

Ethics:  Emmanual Kant argues That lying is always wrong, because it undermines the basic principle of trust essential to all human traction.

Media

• Lying online and social media has become common place.
• People pretending to be someone they are not
• Bots –

 

Famous liars 

Anna Delvey – fake heiress and socialite

Caroline Calloway – social media personality – tour gate

Lance Armstrong –

The Tinder Swindler- Simon Levi

Bill Clinton

Bernie Madoff

Richard Nixon

 

The consequences of lying

• Loss of trust in relationships
• Shameful feelings for the liar – cleansing acts or physical response. Brain imaging shows reduced activity in the system during prolonged dishonest behaviour as they told more and more lies.
• The stress of maintaining a lie can cause anxiety, guilt and physical symptoms, such as headaches
• Lying becomes complicated – leading to more lies
• Damage opportunities – destroying reputations.
• Impact you own perception of reality
• Violation of social contract

 

The impact of lying on different personality types

• Reds – who rely on the influence to achieve goals, a loss of trust and credibility can be particularly damaging
• Yellow – have a desire to be loved wherever they go and therefore, guilt or stress will negatively impact their overall well-being
• Green- greens shy away from conflict- love to please everyone and a sensitive to criticism, loud voices, and being questioned
• Blue- they lose their status, as specialists are experts in. They are exposed as liars.

 

How to Construct a Believable Lie 

• Shared for the purpose of being able to identify a lie being told to you

1. Find your motive- understanding the underlying reason is the first step in constructing a lie.
2. Choose a credible lie- Needs to be rooted in some form of truth
3. Focus on the details, but don’t overdo it- overloading with excessive or necessary details may trigger suspicion. Convincing, but not overcomplicated
4. Be consistent in your behaviour- protect you from future problems and make things more believable
5. Anticipate counter questions-preparation reduces stress
6. Monitor your body language- The right amount of eye contact, keeping voice steady, sitting or standing without trembling is mastering the art of lying- it’s not true that unprepared liars take a quick glance up to the left when they’re about to tell a lie. ( right handed people)
7. Reinforce the lie
8. Plan your exit strategy- ie put the blame back on the accuser

 

Recognising the signals 

• Eyes – unusually prolonged eye contact- overcompensating for their deception, quick, blinking, or dilated pupils
• Micro expressions- Quick in voluntary facial expressions that reveal a person is genuine emotions eg flash of anger through a reassuring smile.
• Defensive, physical posture- crossed arms, leaning away or forming barriers
• Constantly clearing the throat or swallowing
• Pursed lips
• Changes in vocal pitch- raised pitch in speech
• Touching face or neck
• Strange pauses

 

How the four colours deal with lies

 

1. Reds lie with purpose- 

Dominance is characterised by confidence or the desire for command, which can influence their attitudes to lying in deception-

• Think of lies as a means to an end
• More likely to manipulate the truth, downplay, a problem or withhold information
• They like to compete with others
• Rationalise their behaviour, as necessary or justified confidence makes it harder to detect their deception
• Maybe more able to accept a degree of risk in order to advance their plans
• Being task orientated, rather than relationship orientated, losing a few friends on the path to success isn’t the end of the world

How do they react – 

• Analyse the situation to try understand the motive – and assess the impact on them.
• Take immediate action to regain control
• Tend to be direct and confrontational- they might feel betrayed angry or disappointed and they seldom stop to think – they may confront you and demand explanation
• Will reassess relationships to determine if it still matters to them.
• Reinforce boundaries and clarify expectations

 

2. Yellow slide to be acknowledged-

Influence – They want to be like recognised and accepted by everyone

• personality type distinguished by social skills, outgoing nature in persuasiveness
• Social chameleons, and likely to resort to small white lies to protect someone’s feelings or social standing
• The fine line between influence and manipulation
• They have high emotional intelligence, which means they can sometimes tell when people are lying to them, or the best opportunities for them to lie
• Particularly likely to lie to themselves by filtering out bad news

How do they react- 

• Opportune-  others share their values and intentions, making them particularly vulnerable to deception and betrayal
• Initial shock and distrust perhaps doubt over their own judgement
• Emotional agitation and disappointment, they will feel let down
• A strong need for closure and understanding and want to an explanation for their actions
• Often inclined to forgive the person who lied to them, especially where they are genuinely remorseful and committed to making up to their transgression
• White lies may be easier to forgive, but those from someone close to them will have a more intense reaction
• Their ability to forgive, might be impacted by past experiences

 

3. Greens like to avoid arguments and demands- 

They are cooperative, reliable, easy-going, and value harmony. They are often the mediators.

• Keen to avoid conflict and avoid raise voices or angry, looks so more likely to tell white lies or lies to bring harmony or prevent change
• They value long-term relationships and are willing, and trustworthy in general, making them less likely to lie to their close friends and family members

How do they react- 

• Will take it personally and can be distressing
• They may experience self-doubt and question ability to judge other people’s characters or place their trust in the future. They also carry grudges.
• Being good listeners their first reaction maybe to ask for an explanation to understand the reasons and give them a chance to explain
• Avoid conflict and maybe reluctant to address a lie immediately
• We will re- evaluates relationships with a liar as reliability is important and trust has been damaged. They might simply stop contacting you or exhibit passive aggressive behaviour
• Greens might look to their close friends and family for support situation as feeling cheated and betrayed can be emotionally painful for them

 

 

4. Blues lie to gain other people’s trust- 

Analytical characterised as careful conscientious and systematic they are detail oriented and quality conscious

• They value accuracy reliability and carefully way up
• They live to help maintain their own standards to avoid mistakes and aim for for perfection
• Blues less likely to lie because of their strong ethical code. For fear of long term consequence

How do they react-

• Analyse the situation- replay conversations in their mind, evaluate the evidence and consider a different point of view to get the full extent of the situation that will gather all the information before making a judgement
• Past experiences of deception can also influence the reaction having been like in the past, and they find it difficult to trust, others or forgive
• Often feel betrayed and disrespected as they value, honesty and integrity
• May demand an explanation for the reasons for the lies
• Being lied to is something they can quite easily move on from
• Re-evaluate relationships in question will likely never trust the person again
• Should they choose to remain maintain a relationship they will offer in with new boundaries

 

Psychopaths and narcissists

• Are use a combination of lying, playing the victim and other tactics to gain control over others and alter situations in their favour
• They lack remorse and guilt, and this combined with her ability to lie so convincingly can make it extremely difficult to recognise they are being manipulated.

A psychopath has a lack of empathy, remorse, and guilt as well as a superficial charm, a willingness to manipulate others and impulsive behaviour

A narcissist has any inflated sense of importance, excessive need to be admired, a lack of empathy and inclination to exploit others for personal gain.

• Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that makes the other person question, their own reality, memory, or perceptions to gain control
• Victimhood is guiding the sympathy of people around them to manipulate them by exaggerating their problems or pretending to be treated unfairly
• Love bombing is sharing someone with affection, compliments, and gets to be in their trust in affection
• Triangulation pitting to people against each other to cause conflict and gain control of the situation
• Playing dumb is pretending not to know or understand simple things in order to avoid responsibility
• The silent treatment, ignoring someone or acting dismissively to punish them and gain control over them

 

Lack of guilt and empathy means they don’t care about the impact their lies have on others and don’t take responsibility for making amends or repairing damaged relationships.

 

How to deal with a psychopath.   Walk away!

 

How to expose a liar ? 

People best at finding liars

• Police
• Judges and lawyers
• Professional interrogators
• Deception researchers
• Clinical psychologists

 

How

• Friendly is better
• Body language not necessarily a giveaway for hardened liars
• Ask unexpected questions – can they answer immediately and reconfirm. Make sure questions are verifiable.
• Only reveal evidence piece by piece – don’t give them feedback

 

Introverts are better at spotting liars- they stay in the background and evaluate evidence

Extrovert not as much attention to detail

 

Blue are best – brains are organised, they have good memory, pay attention to detail, ask a lot of questions

 

How does a lie detector test work

Sensors record

• Breathing rate
• Heart rate
• Blood pressure
• Sweat levels

Confronting a liar 

• Understanding the motive
• Create a space where honesty is encouraged
• Neutral territory
• Active listening
• Open body language
• Avoid casting blame
• Be honest about your intentions
• Ask open questions
• Assure them of confidentiality
• Show empathy
• Read between the lines
• Consider the consequences

 

Embracing vulnerability is important when considering to tell a white lie or not.

 

Relationships based on vulnerability or genuine when we share truths, insecurities, and fears with one another, it invites and more genuine connection, deeper understanding and trust

 

Every time you choose honesty, you’re taking a step towards a lot of trust and integrity

 

There are three kinds of lies, lies, Damned lies and statistics

 

Author: Donna Bruce